How a War Survivor Taught Me About Boundaries 🫡
The Healing I Didn’t Get in Therapy, But Found in Massage School
Boundaries Aren’t Walls. They Breathe…
I used to think boundaries were one of two things:
Nonexistent, or
Concrete walls so thick, not even God could knock them down.
There was no middle ground.
No nuance.
No negotiation!
Which made total sense…
Because when you’ve lived through severe trauma, you don’t get the luxury of “fluidity”.
You get survival.
You get strategy.
You get don’t let anyone near you unless you sense they won’t burn the place down.
That was me.
Until massage school.
Yeah… massage school.
Not therapy.
Not some sacred mountain retreat.
Massage school, 18 years ago.
And the person who cracked it all open?
A Vietnam Veteran.
Missing a few fingers. Still showed up every year to the country where it all went down - to apologize, to connect, to heal.
He didn’t come to talk about boundaries. But damn if he didn’t teach me everything I didn’t know I needed.
One day after class, we had a session… just to talk. He knew I was still suffering and had a lot of pain and anger inside- deep, deep down.
He could see it… he could probably even feel it! I hadn’t told him anything up to that point.
We like to keep things hidden, don’t we?
We went to the other building, the safe place, where there’s rocking chairs on the porch. We entered into a room, and I sat on a pillow in the middle of the room….
He looked at me and said:
“Draw your boundary. Right now. Around you.”
So I did.
Big, sweeping arc on the floor. Huge circle. Far out from my body.
“That’s where it is,” I said. “Always has been.”
Then he asked the question that made my brain glitch:
“Can you move it closer”?
I laughed sarcastically. “No” !!!
Like… what kind of question was that?
Boundaries don’t move. They protect. That’s the whole point.
Right?
But then we sat there. In the quiet…
And slowly, over the next hour, I learned something no one had ever said to me out loud:
Boundaries aren’t fixed. They’re not fences.
They’re living, breathing things.
They shift. They need to shift.
They can be close or distant. Wide or narrow.
Sharp one day, soft the next.
They don’t even have to be circles. Hell, they can zigzag if they need to.
And most importantly?
You get to choose where they go.
Again. And again. And again…
That day changed something in me … in my nervous system.
It was one of those BIG, little moments - a quiet rewire.
I didn’t fix all my boundaries in a day. But I stopped seeing them as concrete.
Started seeing them as communication.
And here’s the truth nobody is yelling from the rooftops:
You don’t “fix” your boundaries.
You feel them.
You check in. You ask, “What do I need now”?
You trust your yes. You trust your no.
You learn to move the line…
So if you’ve been living like your only choices are wide open or shut down, I see you.
That’s not broken - it’s just old survival playing on repeat.
But maybe…
Just maybe…
It’s time to try something different.
Something softer.
Something alive!
Let this be your sign to check your own lines today.
Not with judgment. With curiosity.
Draw it in chalk.
Scribble it in dirt.
Trace it in your mind.
Just ask yourself… “Could this move”?
And if this stirred something in you… if you’re navigating your own healing or wrestling with how to protect yourself without disconnecting from others…
This is the kind of work I hold space for here.
Through words. Through stories. Through reflection.
We talk boundaries. Nervous systems. Triggers. Repair.
All the messy, sacred stuff.
You don’t have to do it alone.
You’re invited 🤗
Empowering you to be self-reliant with proven, holistic strategies that target the root cause—not just the symptoms—to transform your energy, clarity, and health. Real solutions, no nonsense—transforming health for you and your family.
Transform To Wellness- Kathleen Thorne RN, LMT (RN3252112/ MA54880)
I love everything about this article, Kathleen. Thank you for sharing such an amazing story. And you're absolutely right, boundaries aren't fences. The are responsive, adaptable, shaped by what we need in each moment. Honoring that flexibility is such a powerful act of self-awareness and self-respect.
@Kathleen nicely written 👌