Pre-Grief vs. Grief: How to Recognize the Difference and Reclaim Your Ground.
Is There A Difference?
I used to think grief had a start date.
You lose someone. You fall apart. That’s the rule, right?
But I’ve learned something since then that grief doesn’t always wait its turn. Sometimes, it shows up early.
Quiet. Uninvited. Relentless.
Sometimes grief arrives before the loss.
It slips in through the back door of a hospital room…
in the soft shuffle of nurses’ shoes…
in the way a doctor says “we’re watching closely” when what they really mean is brace yourself.
That’s pre-grief.
And it’s not a theory.
It’s not a “stage.”
It’s grief.
Real grief.
It just comes before everyone else starts bringing casseroles.
What It Looked Like for Me
For me, it began in 2021. My mom almost died - three times. I remember standing in the cardiac procedure waiting room, alone, holding onto hope with white-knuckled faith, thinking, this might be it.
And then - it wasn’t. We made it through. But I didn’t bounce back. Not really.
Because the grief had already moved in.
It stayed through the stroke that came later. Through the TIAs (mini-strokes), I recognized immediately because I worked neuro ICU. It stayed through the bypass surgery to save her leg.
And when we finally got a moment to breathe, that’s when rectal cancer knocked at the door.
That’s when I realized I’d been grieving her in pieces. Not because she was gone… but because she was slipping.
And every piece that shifted… hurt!
Let’s Widen the Lens
Here’s something I wish more people understood:
Grief isn’t just about death.
It’s about loss. Of any kind.
It can be the loss of a pet, a job, a relationship that’s changed but not ended. It can be the loss of the life you thought you’d have.
The version of you that existed before the diagnosis… or before everything got so heavy.
You can pre-grieve what hasn’t happened yet.
You can grieve the idea of what might come.
So if you’ve been feeling crushed under something you can’t name - this might be it.
And if no one has told you yet that it’s okay to grieve something that’s still here… let me be the first.
How Pre-Grief Shows Up in the Body
(Even If You Don’t Have a Name for It Yet)
I felt it before I could name it.
My heart rhythm changed- skipped beats, irregular and fast. My appetite vanished. I forgot to drink water. My jaw clenched so tightly I gave myself headaches.
My body felt heavy and wired at the same time. Like it was waiting for something awful.
Maybe you’ve felt that too.
Pre-grief isn’t just sadness. It’s survival mode.
It shows up as:
a deep fatigue that sleep doesn’t touch
sudden waves of nausea or breathlessness
racing thoughts with a frozen body
tears that don’t stop… or won’t come at all
a deep ache in your gut when nothing has “happened” yet
Your body knows…
Even when your mind is trying to hold it all together.
Even when no one else around you is grieving.
Is It Even “Pre”? Or Just Grief in Disguise?
So here’s the honest question:
If it walks like grief… aches like grief… breaks your damn heart like grief…
Why are we calling it “pre-grief”?
The only thing “pre” about it is that the loss hasn’t landed officially.
But your heart doesn’t follow the calendar.
Your body doesn’t wait for a funeral.
Your soul doesn’t ask permission.
Pre-grief is grief.
It just hasn’t been named by the world yet.
But you can name it.
You can claim it.
And you can take care of yourself inside it.
What Helps (When Nothing Seems to Help)
You don’t need “good vibes” advice.
You need real, grounded tools.
Not someday.
Now!
Here’s what helped me survive the worst of it:
1. Create a Reality Ritual- This is nervous system survival.
Pre-grief loops you.
Your brain rehearses tragedy like it’s trying to memorize the worst-case scenario.
That loop? It sends your body into panic. Over and over.
So interrupt it - gently, consistently - with what is real right now.
This is what I call a Reality Ritual.
Each morning, or whenever the panic sets in, say something true out loud.
My feet are on the ground.
This herbal tea is hot.
My mom is alive today.
It sounds simple. But it anchors your brain.
It gives your nervous system a new script: You’re safe in this moment. You’re not there yet. You’re here.
This isn’t about ignoring reality.
It’s about not living in the disaster before it comes.
2. Choose One Anchor-Person
Not just someone to talk to. Someone who can hold the weight with you.
You don’t need ten friends right now.
You need one person who can sit in the mess without flinching.
Not someone who says “everything happens for a reason.”
Not someone who tries to cheer you up.
Someone who listens and says: “That makes sense. I see you. I’m not going anywhere.”
This is emotional oxygen.
This is co-regulation.
This is what keeps us from drowning.
And if you don’t have that person yet? You’re not alone.
That’s part of what Transform to Wellness is for. We walk through it together.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve Now
Yes - now.
Don’t wait until it’s official.
You’re already grieving.
And you’re allowed to feel it.
You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t need approval.
If your chest aches and your soul feels like it’s unraveling… that’s enough.
Let yourself mourn the shift. The fear. The version of life you thought you’d have.
Cry when the memory slips.
Scream when you feel helpless.
Sit with the silence if that’s all you can manage.
This isn’t dramatics. This is what healing looks like when it’s real.
There’s Still Hope Here
Pre-grief didn’t just break me.
It softened me.
It pulled me closer to what matters.
It made me gentler with myself and with others.
Hope still lives here.
Right beside the sorrow.
And community? That’s what makes the ache bearable.
Want to Go Deeper?
If this spoke to your soul, come join the Five-Day Grief Companion Challenge.
It’s part of the paid subscription to Transform to Wellness and offers a guided, soul-deep walk through pre-grief, grief, survival, and what comes next.
You’ll receive:
Daily guidance
Embodied healing tools
Gentle encouragement
A place where you don’t have to explain your pain
You don’t have to do this alone.
👉 Join the Membership + Challenge Now (All Challenges and Resets Included).
Transform To Wellness- Kathleen Thorne RN, LMT (RN3252112/ MA54880)
Beautiful job, Kathleen. This is a guide to the topic I'm currently covering (broadly) for caregivers, and I will repost it shortly. I'm scattered today--surgery tomorrow before dawn, and my mind is a million places. However, I'm glad you wrote this article (and more on the topic to come?), and your content is spot on. It's a hugely important topic. ❤
This is a new concept for me, so thank you for the thoroughness and transparency. Very helpful and beautifully written on a challenging topic. I especially appreciated the insight around pre-grief not having to be about death.