Survival Isn’t Living! This Is Your Wake-Up Call. Are You Brave Enough to Walk This Road With Me?
The road back to yourself is wilder and closer than you think.
I used to live full-throttle partying harder than anyone I knew.
By 27, I had a PhD in self-destruction… cigarettes, cocaine, alcohol… you name it, I probably did it.
And then… one night, sitting in the wreckage of my own life, I pulled a trigger.
Gun jammed.
I lived.
Everything changed after that.
I quit everything cold turkey - every addiction, every escape, every fake comfort.
Gone overnight.
Because sometimes you don’t change because you see the light.
You change because you feel the fire burning you alive.
I got clean.
Became a nurse at 30.
A licensed massage therapist too.
Started helping others heal, because healing wasn’t just something I wanted anymore - it was something I owed.
And in the healing of others…
I found even deeper healing for myself.
Life was good. Not perfect. But it had heart.
Until it started fraying at the edges again.
21 years later, I was working as a supervisor at a facility for seniors - people living alone, needing a little help. Some more than others, a dementia unit, rehab - all needing dignity.
It was good work… hard work…
But under leadership that didn’t know anything about dignity.
The Director of Nursing crushed people for sport.
Emotionally and verbally abused nurses. Belittled techs.
Good people ran.
I stayed… because the CEO said they were letting her go.
They didn’t.
And the stress built in my mind and my body.
Silent. Steady. Deadly.
My gut broke down first.
Excruciating abdominal pain I couldn’t explain.
Doctors scratched their heads. I scratched my spirit raw trying to hang on.
And then came the morning that broke me.
Eating oatmeal. Getting ready for another day of surviving.
Mom banging on the door.
Tears in her eyes.
Screaming words I couldn’t process.
My brother was gone.
Gone.
And so was my ability to swallow.
Not metaphorically. Physically.
Something snapped in me so hard it rewired my body.
Three months of clear liquids through a straw.
Thirty pounds stripped off a body that already felt empty.
Couldn’t work. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t think.
Could barely exist.
Doctors said it was a nervous breakdown and offered meds I knew would wreck me even worse.
I refused.
Because deep down I knew this wasn’t a chemical problem.
It was a life problem.
So I fought. And I fought for six months with every breath I took, every heart beat. The voices in my head saying I was done. It was over…
But I fought back hard and healed myself.
I rebuilt my gut, my body and my mind - piece by bloody piece.
But even after winning that war, I lived small.
I didn’t dare stretch too far, dream too big.
Because the real fear wasn’t dying.
It was suffering again.
So I stayed safe.
Safe decisions .
Safe dreams.
Safe days.
Helping others, yes… but quietly dying inside myself.
Until now.
Until 2025.
Until Mom’s cancer diagnosis slammed into me like a freight train.
Stage 3. Rectal cancer.
Another reminder that none of us are guaranteed anything.
A few nights ago, sitting under a sky wide enough to swallow ten acres of land, watching deer and their fawns walking through the pasture, I asked myself…
If I knew for a fact I had one year left… would I be living like this?
Would I be holding back?
Would I be hiding gifts that were meant to be given away?
The answer was so loud it didn’t need words.
It shook through every fiber and cell in my body.
HELL NO!
I wouldn’t waste a second pretending survival was enough.
I wouldn’t tiptoe through life, afraid to trip.
I wouldn’t hoard the music, the gifts, the fire inside me for another “safer” day.
I would live.
I would LIVE!
And you know what?
You would too.
Because the truth is, nobody knows how long we have.
Not the doctors.
Not the machines.
Not the blood tests.
Not the prayers.
We don’t know!
But we do know this…
We were made for more than survival.
We were made to discover the gifts inside us - the ones given to us for a reason.
We were made to run wild with the beauty of nature, to connect with each other, to heal, to grow, to sing at the top of our lungs even when the world tells us to hush.
And none of us were meant to do it alone.
I know what it feels like to walk alone.
I’ve done it more times than I can count.
But it’s not how we were designed.
So I’m not doing it alone anymore.
I’m inviting you.
All of you.
Who’s brave enough to come with me?
Who’s brave enough to discover what’s really inside you?
To stretch past survival into living wide open?
To heal? To grow? To reconnect with yourself, with the earth, with the people around you?
Not someday.
NOW!
This is your wake-up call too.
If you’re ready…
If you’re willing to live instead of just survive…
Come walk this road with me.
We’re just getting started…
Want to heal on a deeper level? Stop chasing quick fixes.
I’m a holistic nurse who’s lived through pain, grief, trauma, anxiety & depression and healed naturally. Not theory. Not fluff. Just lived experience + expert support.
Transform To Wellness- Kathleen Thorne RN, LMT (RN3252112/ MA54880)
You didn’t just write, Kathleen. You ignited something in me with this beautiful piece.
The moment we stop letting that fear dictate the size of our dreams is the moment we start living again.
Thank you for sharing.
Kathleen, the rawness and vulnerability of this piece empowered me to feel more comfortable sharing some of my struggles more openly. Thank you for your bravery.